Mr. Trump,
I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge your endeavors to make America great again. In your short tenure as POTUS, I must commend you on how ‘great’ our country has become. While I did not vote for you, I am beginning to question my election shortcomings. But enough about me; as we all know, it is always about you. Let me continue my thoughts on greatness, authored by no one other than yourself.
GREAT KIDS
I think it is great to have children in the White House. The Bush and Obama administration proved that. Really… how cute to watch Barron play with his baby cousin while you were signing your first documents. Children are our future and seeing Ivanka’s little son crawl in the White House and thrill his mother was heartwarming. It took us all back to the Kennedy years with John-John peeking around the Presidential desk and Caroline dancing for her daddy. Truly. It is a bit worrisome when the Commander in Chief demonstrates behavior attributed to a toddler, but I am sure maturity is forthcoming. Ummm…are my tax dollars paying for nannies? Just wondering.
GREAT LAUGHTER
Laughter is so welcomed in the stress-laden days which we find ourselves. I know of no other commodity that the American spirit craves more than hilarity. And thanks to you and your peeps, we are really laughing. Grizzly bears in schools. Imaginary massacres in Bowling Green. Alternate facts, fake news, and endless rants on Twitter. Banning folks who have more rights to be in this country than you have to live on Pennsylvania Avenue. Selecting an individual to head up education when she appears to be a DeVos, DeVoid of any kind of wisdom. But no worries; if things calm down and the laughter dies, there is always SNL. Oh, and your hair. That makes us laugh. And your orange marmalade skin tone. I don’t know how you do it: pathetic and inept has somehow become entertaining. Kind of like an odd comedian: we wake up and wonder what laughable blunder you have done now. Hmmm….bet the CIA and FBI aren’t laughing. But what do I know? I still laugh at my students’ knock knock jokes.
GREAT SPOUSE (SORTA)
I alluded to children in the White House, well this shout out goes to Melania. Man, she looked amazing in that powder blue suit at the inauguration. Yes, we have had several first ladies who rocked the fashion scene, but she truly outshines you. I mean, did you even have clothes on at the swearing-in? Kinda like the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes,’ if you were told you looked stellar by the right ‘yes’ men, you would have stepped out in nothing and attributed it to the finest designer. Melania kind of ‘married up’ with you. I mean, she speaks four languages fluently, and you have yet to master English. I will tell you this; if my middle school students wrote the way you talk, they would be attending summer school, tutorial sessions, and retention in the same grade. But you know, talking in circles is probably a good strategy for you. May I suggest you take a lesson from your better half? She says little and carries herself with great aplomb, and if she ‘borrows a speech’ at least she used one of the best. OH–and she’s an immigrant! One of those! Had you been my spouse and spewed out that ban on immigrants, I would have been chasing you around the East Room with a rolling pin. Hitter meets Twitter. This begs the question: if you treat absolute strangers/women/diplomats with such a mean reception, how do you treat your wife in private? We’ve gotten a peek at how you ignore her in public. I guess we can ascertain that two separate addresses is how some folks stay married.
GREAT NEWS ABOUT OUR CONSTITUTION
Thank you for turning us into students of the Constitution. While most of us didn’t know much past the Preamble or Second Amendment, we are now hearing ourselves say, “Can he do that??” Umm…you really can’t. We are actually reading the Constitution (or watching Hamilton) to check out facts. Better than Snopes, really. But don’t lose heart, Mr. Trump. There are quickie lessons you can obtain from Amazon that can teach you history in short bursts. Kind of like ‘School House Rock’ but not as cool. Yet, it will give you a basis on which to lead the greatest (see what I did there??) country in the world. Oh…and I now know that there is indeed REAL news and FAKE news. I mean, I always thought that the National Enquirer and the Star magazine were fake publications, but now I know that Fox News and CNN are fake newscasts. I am so glad that I can now read the National Enquirer without shame. Your personal disdain for the media is well, entertaining. Probably the worst strategy ever for someone front and center of the evening newscast, but hey….your Twitter account is as damaging as the White House Press Corps. Now…back to that policy and parchment of our forefathers.
GREAT WALL
The wall idea is wonderful. Now, building it to divide nations is pretty idiotic, but the concept of walls does excite me. I mean, how about a wall built around folks who have 49 items and are in the ‘Fifteen or Less Items’ in the grocery store. Yep. They deserve a wall. Same thing for folks who never use their turn signals. Yeah–hire Blinker Patrols to chase those folks out of the fast lane. And you know what? I think a wall is in order for people who cut lines. Gather those sneaky devils up and put them behind the wall of shame. Especially for folks who cut the lines at Disney and other amusement parks and pretend they did not know. Same thing for those careless drivers that take up three parking places: wall them in and they will learn. I really don’t think the wall between Mexico and the U.S. is good idea. If you listen to a recent podcast involving the Border Patrol they will tell you that there is an 18 foot wall now, and folks wanting to come to our country bring 19 foot ladders. The one border patrol officer said they have more 19 foot ladders than they know what to do with. My ideas about walls are more advisable….just sayin’.
GREAT UNIFICATION
Well, you have done an admirable job of uniting many people, especially women. Truly! Successful protests on issues that have been bothering us girls has really made some people think. Had I not had a recent foot surgery I would have joined in. Now…between you and me, Mr. Trump, I would not have worn a pink hat designed like my ‘hoo-ha’. But that’s just me. Some men grab anything, but then you know that. Another area that garnered Americans to line up and be heard was with the recent ban on immigrants. I cannot remember when I have been so proud to be an American, as I was watching people at airports cheering on those folks from other countries. And if that was not enough, we had attorneys offering their services, ‘pro bono’, to help scared and desperate families maneuver through the hot mess you created. Now that was a stroke of genius on your part: target immigrants and watch how quickly we recite the words from the base of the Statue of Liberty: “Bring me your tired, your poor; your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” and rush out to let them know that a welcoming spirit defines who we are. If you continue the trends that you have set forth these first days of your reign, dictatorship, we will come together with one common cause: impeachment on the grounds of treason. Thank you for not spending a lot of tax dollars on redecorating the White House; those moving vans may arrive sooner than you think. Hey… you might check to see if Nordstrom’s is hiring.
Well, Mr. Trump, it has been nice talking with you and I surely hope that this little summary has lifted your spirits. I mean, if you have been ‘Down in the Dumps, Trump’ maybe you will see all the good you are doing to make America Great Again. You are the President now, and we all must accept that. It is kind of like that annoying and unforgiving toothache that occurs on the weekend. Sometimes you just have to suffer through it. Then, the office opens, the extraction occurs, and healing is restored. Is the pain forgotten? Well, once that pain occurs it will not soon be repeated.
We can only hope that this process works for America. Greatness? Oh, it is coming and it will be at the hands of “We the people” not “I, the Donald.”
Greatness. We will show you what it looks like.
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