A Week of Epic Fails

Well, just packed away a very busy week. How about you? But after last night’s episode, I decided I would share a few occurrences with you. Think of it as my being on stage, and you being in the audience. How I wish we could have traded places. Here we go.

Epic Fail: School

Any teacher will tell you that the last nine weeks of a school year are challenging. Educators just want to be done, principals are fretting over what has to happen before school is done, and the kids are, well, done. So, after I get my seventh grade kiddos finally quiet, I started in with, “I have some very important news I need to share with you.” All eyes were on me, and they sat there expectant, curious, entranced. As I opened my mouth to speak, I realized I had no idea of what was to come out of my mouth. Why I didn’t just make something up is beyond me. After I admitted that I had lost my train of thought (and it was not coming around the tracks anytime soon), one of my boys decided to cheer me up: “That’s okay, Mrs. Hall; this happens to a lot of people when they get old.”
I felt better already. NOT!

The next day, I entered the classroom with hair that was foreign to me. I mean, it was on my head, but it looked like thatch on meth. But, the kids filed in, all excited as they knew we were studying electrical current and would be conducting an experiment with a device called a Van Der Graaf generator. Now… one of the highlights of this activity is that kids put their hands on a big silver sphere that is electrically charged. Their hair flies out in all directions; it is great fun, and puts the shock and wonder into science. Well, one of my lovely lads walks in, takes one look at my hair and says, “Mrs Hall! What is going on with your hair? Oh—did you already try out the Van Der Graaf generator?” Being honest, I explained that no, I was just having a bad hair day. He looked at me, furrowed his brow, and said, “Yeah…..well, I would blame it on the generator.” Thanks for that alibi, young mind of tomorrow. Wait until I plug that puppy in and it is your turn for a bit of electric charge.

Epic Fail: Grocery Store

Let me just say: this could happen to anyone. Why I am seemingly that ‘anyone’ is still a mystery…but I find myself in yet another grocery store mishap. I was minding my own business, doing random product acquisition. This means, I had money, some vague notion of what I was buying, but no list. However, I did have that noisy cart: this one sounded like a NASCAR misfit. It was really loud. I meandered down one aisle and then another–squeaking and squawking– and decided it was time to check out. I put the little bar thingy in place and grabbed a box of crackers to place on the belt. That was problem number one: I did not put crackers in my cart. Nor did I pick out the 2 liter of grape soda, packages of soft taco shells and healthy cereal. This was not my cart. I placed the crackers back in the mystery cart and started towards the back of the store.

 Oh my goodness! I had taken some else’s cart and had no idea where I had left mine. But here is the part that reveals how ‘out of it’ I was. This cart was the cadillac of grocery carts! Smooth steering and silent. How could I have pushed this quiet cart to the check out and not realized it wasn’t mine just adds another layer to my dismay. Too much cranium clutter, you might say!

Now let me tell you, as I was wheeling that cart back to Unknown Shopper Land— I was feeling like a thief. And I was pushing my cart like one….humming “Do-de-do-de do” trying to push said cart so no one could see me, feigning innocence. Think of a cartoon character tiptoeing across the screen, trying to sneak past the villain. I could not remember what aisle I had been in for my last selection….but out of the fog I recalled being back by the dairy department. So I pushed the stranger’s cart to the back of the store, looked around for mine and made a decision: I would just ditch the stolen cart near the butter.

I walked fast from the cart and started my search for familiar cargo such as: cat food, bananas, and mandarin oranges. I avoided eye contact with anyone and smiled up at the surveillance cameras. Kindness counts. Finally, I spotted my collection of goods, and paid for them directly. The next words to my co-shopper, my sister, was “Let’s get outta here!” I was so fearful that I would hear a shriek, “THAT’S HER! THAT’S THE SHOPPING CART SERIAL CEREAL THIEF!” I was so glad to be out of there, but I truly hope the owner of the cart needed butter.

EPIC FAIL: Driving

I spend a lot of time at my church, doing volunteer work, going to meetings, youth group. Well, at 6:20a.m. I am not really accountable for my actions. I was mentally processing some activities coming up on the calendar at church, when I realized that I was heading in the wrong direction to go to school. I teach south. I worship north. I was about four blocks in the wrong direction when it hit me that I was not to be at church, but was surely needing to greet middle school students in twenty minutes. Thank God (really!) I turned the ‘space shuttle white’ Dodge into the right location and made it to the classroom in enough time to grab coffee. Lord help me! And He always does.

Sure wonder if God will forgive me for taking other folks’ grocery carts. I mean….Epic Failures are kind of His business. And Lord knows, I keep Him busy with mine.

Here’s to a better week.