**This is an official disclaimer that this author is not making light of the recent discussions/legislations for educational staff to carry weapons to safeguard the school population. I AM however, making fun of ME should I ever have to carry a gun to school.
So this is what it is coming to. Educators are now faced with the possibility of coming to school armed. Hmmm. I think about how this could play out if I was told: you’re the one, Deb. You get to bring the gun to school to keep your homies safe. Uh huh. Think of Deputy Barney Fife on Red Bull and you get a mental picture of this hot mess. Let me explain how this would not work out for me.
* I can’t remember where I park my car in the Kroger parking lot. So….I can safely bet I won’t remember what I did with said handgun.
*I tend to find creative uses for ordinary things. My new Glock is now a paper weight or a door stop.
*Do you really want any school personnel to have a gun the day before school vacations, especially after room parties? Those kids are wild and dangerous! Just saying.
*If you are the teacher, who always gets stuck behind the same same staff member running 9,000 copies of next semester’s test, when you are pleading to run just 4 copies for kids who were absent, well, that gun just might go off accidentally. My turn!
*So, you know that parent that thinks their little darling never does anything wrong and the school staff is always picking on their child? Well, at that next parent conference, you just might want to reload that revolver. Just for effect, mind you.
*Okay…the administrator arrives at your classroom door for that all important teacher evaluation. You report that you will be ready to teach, as soon as you clean your firearm. Safety first. And then, if it were me, I am sure the Dawn detergent, Clorox wipes and Tide would delay things until tomorrow. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
*I am presently teaching Science. There is much discussion on topics such as evolution, global warming, and the big bang theory. Outfit me with a gun and the ‘big bang theory’ becomes reality. So much for that hypothesis.
*I have never had much experience with guns. They kind of creep me out. So I am thinking that my confrontation with an intruder will go like this:
“I have a gun and I am trained to use it. I am going to show my school board how proud they can be that I am the ‘DD’ —-Designated Dummy. You may not see my weapon, but it is…well someplace. I know that it is loaded because I put the bb’s in there myself. I am armed and dangerous. But we all know that I was dangerous way before I started packing’ heat. Speaking of heat, do you think it is hot in here? These hot flashes make me want to kill. You had better hope your life insurance policy is in force and that you have made peace with your Maker. Know why? You are SO wasting my prep time and I have 15 sets of papers to grade, three parents to call, and I have not peed since 7:40 this morning. And my Zoloft prescription has no refills. And if that is not enough to convince you to leave the premises, picture this: my students may be in PE but if I am late in picking them up, that teacher will come in here and make you dress out for gym and put you through the most sadistic warm-ups ever. You will be begging me to put you out of your misery.”
I am pretty certain I do not fit the profile for the safety officer of my school. But that’s okay. I am much more of an Aunt Bea than Sheriff Andy Taylor.
But come near my Opie, and you’ll be sorry! Just as soon as Barney brings me my gun.
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