ORDER IN THE COURT!

Well, I have been summoned for jury duty. And you know, I really don’t mind. However, this is for Federal Court which presides in Indiana in Indianapolis, Evansville, Terre Haute, and New Albany. Sure hope I don’t get sent to Evansville…not too sure the favorite ex-husband will want to hear: “I’m baaack!” But enough on that.

I really don’t mind doing jury duty. In Indianapolis, I have done the jury pool thing a few times. When I received the first form, and I saw the words, ‘jury pool’ I simply responded, “Thanks, but I don’t swim.” Um….that is not a wise response. Just saying.

When I did make it as a juror, I was so excited! I made it clear to the jury box, until I was singled out by both defense attorney and judge. Seems being married to a lieutenant in the police department (at that time) might make me a bit impartial to putting a drug dealer/murderer behind bars. The lady next to me did not want to be chosen…she was intimidated by his stare and the mean looking folks in the gallery there to support him. I was like, “Bring it on. I’m a teacher….you can’t scare me.”

But I digress. I do want to serve my country in being a juror. This might be my big chance. I mean….I am very qualified. After all, I used to have my classroom present a play based on the workings of a courtroom: ‘Goldilocks on Trial’ taught kids the various roles of our country’s legal system by trying Goldilocks for the crime of trespass. It was very cool, and one of the students’ favorite activities. And I have raised and taught teenagers, so I know all about drama. And I have been married to, and have a son in law enforcement, so I have a pretty good understanding of breaking the law. Plus, I am just plain nosey so being “up in your business” is a like a hobby to me.

I think I have something to offer the Federal Courts of Indiana. When the witness is lying through his/her teeth, I’ll just save everyone some time and in my best teacher voice, I’ll stand up and say, “Really??? That’s the best you can do? You seriously want us to buy that story? You must have the imagination of a worm, if that is the best you can do. I’ve heard better testimony from a second grader. Wait! Didn’t I have you in second grade?” Just trying to save the taxpayers’ money.

And when the defense and prosecution rests, I will be prepared with my pillow and blanket. I can take a nap and rest any place. And I do not mind sharing my opinion with the judge, letting him or her know that they really do look good in black…and suggesting they audition for one of those judge t.v. shows. Anyone that has to sit on a bench all day needs some props, if you know what I mean.

Do you think anyone would mind if I had a few words for the defendant? Like– stuff my mom said to me when I messed up. First of all, I would use their first and middle name, because that is the hallmark of knowing you are in trouble. Then I would throw down such phrases as this:

                “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
                ” I am NOT telling you again…”
                 “What were you thinking?
                 “Well I never!”
                 “Don’t talk back to me if you know what’s good for
                        you!”
                 “And I mean it!”
                 “I told you so!”
                 “Don’t give me that look.”
                 “You expect me to believe that? You think I was born
                         yesterday?”
                 “Go to your room (cell) and don’t come out until you
                          are ready to apologize.”
                  “Go get the belt/paddle/switch. And don’t think those
                           crocodile tears are going to work with me.”
                  “If you think I’m going to bail you out every time you
                           get in hot water, you’re crazy.”
                  “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?”

Objection! That last statement has no bearing on this case! Overruled. See….I could do this. When the judge hollers out, “Order in the court!” I will just tell him I want fries with my order. But I do anticipate a little problem. When the bailiff hollers out, “All rise” I am afraid my little voice might be heard saying, “But your honor…I AM standing.” But really,with settling all of the debates, issues, crimes, statements, I have had with thirty-two years in the classroom and raising four kids, I think I am ready for federal court! And if I can’t come to a verdict, I will just use my best critical thinking skills and reach a conclusion:
   “Eeny Meeny Miney Mo” or “Bubble gum bubble gum in a
    dish…” or my personal favorite: “One potato, two potato…”

See you in court.