Max and the Missing Crate by: Harper ‘Black Lab’ Lee

     Had to leave home for a week. This necessitated farming out my two dogs to two of my kids. My children didn’t exactly jump up and down at dog sitting,  but they had farmed out their six kids on me countless times, so I called it even.
     I had disassembled the crate of Max, the Not-Quite-Right Rescue pup. Harper, The Intense Akita-Black Lab Mix was walking around processing these changes. He knew something was up. I called for Harper to “Go to bed” the universal signal for the dogs to retire to their crates. Now…Harper obediently bounded down the stairs and went inside his crate. Now dopey Max also ran down the stairs and ran to where his crate used to sit. He was clearly befuddled. I could hear the dialogue….

Max: “I can’t find my crate!”
Harper: “Dude…it’s gone. Can’t you see that empty space where it used to sit?”
Max: “What happened to it?”
Harper: “You probably ate it. You eat everything.”
Max: “I ATE it?? Oh my. I don’t remember eating it…”
Harper: “You have the IQ and memory of a goldfish.”
Max: “Now…I DID eat a goldfish once.”
Harper: “Geesh. If you went to school you definitely would ride a short bus.”
Max: “Can you eat on a bus?”
Harper: “Get your mind off food. Think. What do you think happened to your crate?”
Max: “It was right here when I went outside to poop.”
Harper:”Dude. I do not want to hear about your bodily functions.”
Max: “But we’re dogs. That is what we do.”
Harper: “I’m a dog. You? Well….”
Max:”Just because you are named after author, Harper Lee does not mean you are better than me.”
Harper: “An amoeba is better than you.”
Max:”I do not know if that is good or bad as I don’t know what an ‘amoeba’ is. Can I share your crate until mine shows up?”
Harper: “Dude. No. You are not coming in here. And I think I know what happened to your crate. I think DogMom put it in her car.”
Max: “I am going to live in the car???”
Harper: “No. You are going someplace else to live.”
Max: “But I don’t want to go SOMEPLACE else to live! Dog Mom rescued me and I belong here!!”
Harper: “You belong in a state hospital for retarded canines, but I am not sure one exists.”
Max: slurping, walking in circles with his one floppy ear, “Do you think DogMom doesn’t love me anymore?”
Harper: “Of course she loves you. You know what she always says, “If I loved you once I love you still.”
Max: “Then why is she taking my crate and me to someplace else? And leaving you here?”
Harper:”She loves me more than you. Oh kid, I’m just teasing. I think she is going on a little vacation and she has to dump us on her kids.”
Max: “What if they don’t like me?”
Harper: “I don’t like you, but they will put up with you like I do.”
Max: “Will we ever come home?”
Harper:”Sure. She can’t live without us.”
Max: “I’m so glad you are my buddy. You are so wise.”
Harper:”Hmmmmm. There might be hope for you yet.”
Max: “Does this mean you won’t hump me anymore?”
Harper:”Dude. We’re dogs. That’s what we do.”

Sigh. I hope the kids are taking great care of my other ‘children with fur’. After all, dogs are man’s best friends. Even if they ‘Max’ out on being simple, a great dog is simply the best.