So…my daughters have hinted to me that I should try an online singles matching thing. To humor them, I have given it a try. Now, remember that I am pretty content with my life. But if there is a guy out there who can pay for a dinner, tickets for the theater or symphony, I’m all about that. And if he can show up with a screwdriver and fix a couple of door knobs, install a storm window–all the better. Romance? Oh sure. But I am not that woman who needs a man or even wants one full time. However, if he bathes regularly, has teeth, and can speak in complete sentences, I will try him out.
Here’s the problem. I decided to try a ‘Christian’ online match thing but decided I needed to lie to be competitive. Oh…now before you send me to church, just know it was a little lie. I grew two inches and have started bicycling and gardening at the stroke of the keyboard. I mean, there was no category for ‘Sitting and Talking on the Phone’ so I just decided to check some things I might do.
My daughter and best friend argued on which photo I should submit. I was thinking along the lines of using somebody else’s picture, but they nixed that idea right away. I was informed that I had lied enough. Fine!
Then we got busy. Could we get the reflections off my glasses? Could we photo-shop me to look, um, taller, younger, thinner? Intelligent yet fun? Studious but goofy? The choices were endless.
Finally, we chose a photo that met this criteria: “Okay…you don’t look too bad in this one.” Yeah, that speaks volumes to a girl’s confidence.
I liken this whole silly process to fishing. Yeah…you put your line out there and make yourself sound so gooood. I am a writer. I know how to make myself and others look so good on paper/screen. And knowing I can do it makes me dubious of others.
Then, you wait until the bobber wiggles. In techno terms, you get an email that says someone has viewed your profile. Yikes!
Then you pull the line out of the water. It could be lovely catch or a slimy bit of weeds. Or an ugly catfish that has teeth and barbs. I have nothing against catfish, but sometimes it is better to just say, “Oh darn. He got my bait and got away.” And this is how I am viewing his whole process. It is fun, but can take a lot of time re-baiting that line, sticking it in the water, and reeling in some interesting ‘fish’. Let’s just say some of those folks should have been lying like me. And perhaps using someone else’s photo. I sound heartless, don’t I?
But really. If you are going to put yourself out there, why not try spellcheck so you don’t say, “I way less than I look.” Really? And were you absent from third grade when they taught homonyms?
And could you put your shirt back on? Ewww. We are not 25 year olds. And if you are trying to pick out a memorable user name, ‘Felon Phil’ is not going to do it for me.
I am not sure I am cut out for this singles online match thing. I also am not certain that I would actually want to go out with someone who is as desperate as I and has resorted to cyber-dating. Not that it hasn’t worked for a lot of folks. And Lord knows, guys aren’t falling out of the sky and landing on my front porch.
But the Lord knows that I am also not five feet tall and my idea of gardening is mowing the grass with loathing. I have always said that if God wanted me with another man, He would have to bring him to me. Well, guess maybe I will try this on-line match thing for another week or so.
Let’s just hope ‘Felon Phil’ disappears from my profile page.
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